What being fat looks like.


Journey to Health with MS – Week 25 Update

Oh boy it has been a while since I’ve written anything down. I’m still maintaining where I’ve been for … God knows how many weeks now. 7-8? The scale stands at 142.9kg / 315lbs – which is a healthy drop of 20.7kg / 45.7lbs. Though when you look at it … that’s still an average drop of 1.8lbs a week at this pace – even with the 2 month maintenance, hah.

I don’t mind the maintaining at all though, I’m actually enjoying it. I’m eating well and enough. I’m still not even close to my BMR on 99% of the days, but from my first 150 days we know my body does not enjoy dropping weight, because of my thyroid and MS having a wonderful dance-off together. Will have some more blood tests again soon and see what they hold in them.

Though, what we have also learned in those first 150 days is – even if it’s hard or slow, it’s not impossible at all and if I’d put my mind back into it, I’d start dropping weight again immediately – all I’d need to do is start eating at 1000kcal deficit with no mishaps mixed in with intermittent fasting, start exercising 2 hours a day and drink 6 liters of water a day. It’s very simple to lose weight in the end, hard, but simple. The thing with that is though… I’m not sure if I’m that hungry towards it anymore. Not in the way I was at the start at least. So maintaining/slowly shedding is far superior for me now.

I’ve found a comfortable zone where I’m okay with the person I have become inside of my head, where I am not obsessed with weight loss or the way I look. More focused on how I’m feeling and living a healthy life, establishing good routines and learning to love the person I am. Just… living hakuna matata, you know? No worries. I’m slowly, but surely, changing my self-image to not be that 370lbs behemoth that I used to be, the weight where I am at now is morphing itself as my new starting point – if that makes any sense to any of you. The person that looks back at me from the mirror, is not morphed or disfigured – just me.

So what have I been doing with my life – not weight related? Not much actually, I’ve investigated different things and finished my theory classes for driving school, will see if I’ll manage to get my licence as a birthday gift during next month. Job hunting seems a bit vague right now, as I’m waiting for the unemployment office to contact me (yeah, that’s how it works over here… you give them a contact request and they will contact you at their leisure…) and I’m sure it would be a lot easier for them to contact me if I hadn’t broken my phone.

Apparently smart phones do not enjoy being dropped to the ground, it makes them very dumb phones afterwards. Though watching how the LCD crystals break and form small blue dots that slowly cover the whole screen in a dark blue haze that turns pitch black was fascinating in its own right – just not really worth the 100$ it took for me to grab a new one.

I’ve also returned to doing one of my old, bad, fascinating addictions. Texas Hold’em Poker. I love, love, love poker. It’s an abusive relationship though, as the game usually slaps me across the face, only to kiss my cheek afterwards but I think we can make it work. I’m in love, and this time I’m sure it’s for real. So far I haven’t lost any money at least and I’m playing for pennies. It’s a game of math and logic, which you can beat – I like that.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to lately! Hope you’re all doing well as well!

Journey to Health with MS – Week 23 update

So, I haven’t posted about my health or my journey for a long while. Mostly because I’ve been so busy, and mostly because I haven’t found anything worth talking about – that I haven’t already talked about to various lengths.

I haven’t lost any weight, I’ve maintained and there’s been various reasons for it. I haven’t exercised as much, I’ve been stressing over the work I had to do and the stress of quitting said work. It was mentally heavy for me – since I really wanted to succeed and do well, but my body forced me to quit it since I couldn’t shake the undeniable feeling of it being so, so very wrong for me. Emotions would be rather handy if they could be just turned off from a switch – but alas, I’m not one of those people that can do it. Have actually been thinking I’m a HSP, highly sensitive person. At least I have every single characteristic for one…

My eating has been a bit haphazard at best, but as I haven’t gained anything – I think I’ve done well considering the circumstances. Before my journey started, when excrement hit the rotating wind machine I’d have eaten everything in sight and gained 10lbs in a few days, but now I just ate at my maintenance and kept to my intermittent fasting. Hooray for actual set routines that work whether you’re stressed or not.

It took me 2 hours to get up from bed today, my legs didn’t have the energy to move themselves, nor did my mind – MS is fun like that every now and then. Today’s been one of those days where it really doesn’t matter to me. You might ask “what doesn’t?” and I’d answer with “everything.”

So here I am, writing it all down to clear my own mind. What will I do now?

I will continue with my journey of eating right and exercising. I will start losing weight again, instead of just maintaining it. Though I must admit, just maintaining has its benefits as it allows the skin to recover and for your body to adjust. After all, we’re not here to lose huge numbers in a short period of time. We’re here to make a permanent life style change – which I think has been a success for me, so far. With 47lbs of my body weight gone in the wind. (Rather literally, since a vast majority of the fat actually comes out of the body as you exhale, as carbon dioxide…)

I will also look for further employment and education, back on the drawing board on that one. I was meant to go to the unemployment office today, but my body had different ideas on it – will do that tomorrow. I mentioned in a comment I made that I’d seek work as a caretaker/giver for the elderly, as I think that would be my cup’o’tea. I’ve been thinking about it for years now, but now it is really solidified in my mind.

I want to help, and I really enjoy talking and working with the elderly. I think I’d be good at it – even though it will be emotionally very taxing as death is a constant companion in that line of work, but we’ll find out. I could also get a degree while working,

Anyway, that’s my plans for the foreseeable future!

How’s everyone else doing?

Why does it have to be so wrong?

This is more of a rant and the reason why I quit my job after just 2 days of doing it.

I was a telephone salesman, or as the company liked to call it “sales representative”, for 2 whole days. During these 2 days I learned some fairly interesting things about myself.

1) I really loved it. I was thinking I’d be shy to dial the numbers and make those calls but it was so much fun to talk with people and no one yelled at me, they were all very polite and this is from a sample size of around 200 calls done (that actually picked up the phone) – seriously. Not a single person yelled at me. Laughed and smiled the whole day through.

2) All of my co-workers were so nice and encouraging. I wanted to see them succeed, they wanted to see me succeed and we had a blast on breaks just joking around and talking.

3) My boss was a picture perfect boss, mild mannered, soft spoken but very enthusiastic and really helped you out, if you needed it. Understanding and worked on the ground floor with the rest of us, had a clear grasp on the root level as she used to be a top salesperson herself, still was!

4) I just couldn’t do it.

Of course, you might be going “But… you just said you loved it, I don’t get it?” – well, there in lies the rub. I loved it, I really did, but let me elaborate a bit on what I had to do.

I was selling Donald Duck comics, to those not in the know – in Finland Donald Duck is pretty huge, it comes every Wednesday and almost every household at one point in time has ordered, or is ordering, the comic. We love our exhibitionist half-naked bird. It was everything we on the sales floor were allowed to sell, as it was the highest going product and easy to sell. An on-going magazine subscription to Donald Duck.

Nothing wrong with that, except, the call lists were comprised of 95% retired elderly. They have no need for the comics, they don’t want the comics, they state it right at the start that they’re already ordering too many magazines and they don’t want anymore.

A good salesperson will pick up immediately on what I said and go “Ah ha, so they order things! Let’s pressure the shit out of them and make em order this too, haa, a sale done, easy as pie!”

… and that’s what I was told to do, force-sell, speak fast, manipulate the elderly into buying Donald Duck comics.

The thing is, I could do that. I’m good with my words, I speak relatively fast and I have a pleasant authoritative voice. I’ve read enough psychology to know which strings to pull and how to manipulate a person, especially if they’re frail into making decisions they normally would not do.

I could do that so well it hurts.

But my heart just would not allow me to do it. It was morally very wrong for me, unethical, and for what? A few dollars? Was my humanity and morals really so cheap I could cast them away for a few bucks?

No… I just couldn’t deal with it in the end. I could do it the pleasant way, the soft spoken nice person way, but everyone who has ever been in sales knows there’s no money to be made when it’s like that… especially if most of the paycheck consists of provisions. All that matter is the numbers and sales you’ve made and if you don’t produce results you get fired anyway.

It would just not make any sense for me, or my employer, for me to stay there.

It’s… such a shame though, I’ve been thinking about it for a full day now. Why does it have to be so wrong? I loved the job, it was so much fun, I smiled and laughed the whole day through – but it was wrong. So very wrong on a moral level and I just do not want to become the type of person that could ever see it as okay.

I do not think the elderly are there for the younger ones to take advantage of. They’re there for us to take care of them, as a thank you for them having taken care of us.

They deserve respect and love, not forcefully sold Donald Duck comics.

I just could not live with myself, if I ever saw it as a good thing, or morally okay to do what they were expecting me to do. Not to mention the excuses they gave me when I stated my dilemma to my boss…

“So you’re saying once a person gets past retirement age they lose all self control over their own decisions?!”

“No one is forcing them to take the deal, we just state it and all the points in it and it’s in their hands to say yes or no!”

“It’s just a job you do, you don’t have to change who you are on the inside for it. Can just leave the sales persona at the workplace!”

Yeah, lady, whatever helps you sleep better at night. To me it was wrong. I called an 84 year old woman who seemed to be very cheerful for her age and completely understood what I said. I went through the sales script with a cheery attitude and she listened. She listened well and then told me about how she really shouldn’t order any more magazines, she’s already ordering at least a dozen different ones and never has any time to read them.

My boss would’ve pounced on her and afterwards celebrated making 10$ from the sale – I told her to have a very nice spring and enjoy the sunny weather outside, after thanking her for her time.

Why does it have to be so wrong?

Journey to Health with MS – Changing my habits

I won’t post daily anymore, not only have I ran out of things to talk about with you lovely encouraging people, but I’m actually busy enough now that I simply do not want to make half-ass posts that waste everyone’s time, mine and yours!

I think it has been coming for a while now, where I do not consider posting daily to be a requisite for my success during my lovely journey. I will limit my posts to being once a week, perhaps even once a month.

I will check up on people and read their blogs, perhaps even comment on them – but I won’t post anything myself.

I don’t think tomorrow I’ll have time to post a weekly update, at all. So I think my next post will be 2 weeks from now.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement, comments and reading!

Time for something new for me, new steps forward.

Time for me to live a normal life, as a normal person 🙂

Take care everyone, and while this isn’t a good bye, it is a bye for now 🙂

Journey to Health with MS – Day 153 – Next Week

It will be interesting next week. I get to see how all of my routines actually work in the ‘real’ world.

As my readers know I’ve been a NEET before my journey started, a morbidly obese shut-in that didn’t exactly leave the house often.

As the journey has progressed, I’ve opened up. I want more out of life and I’m doing things. Meeting new people, seeing new places and moving forward in every way imaginable.

All of my eating and exercise has been fairly easy in comparison to most since I didn’t have to form the routines around a work or school life. I could focus purely on them and form them into habits – which I am thankful for.

Next week it all changes though, as I will be in driving school and will have a full time stressful job to boot.

What do you think, my friend, will I be able to keep my healthy habits and continue down this path with all of the things added into it?

Personally, I think I will do it with ease – there’s nothing you can’t accomplish with a positive attitude, a smile and keeping your eyes pointed forward.

I know I will succeed in what I put myself into – no doubts in my mind.

It will be interesting to see how it all turns out though, in reality. As words are beautiful, inspirational and filled to the brim with confidence, but once the cards are down and you’ve had a long day where someone has yelled into your ear for 7 hours straight – I think the confidence might be a bit lower than it is now, and the products of the doughnut shop I have to pass each and every day will seem all the nicer as a consequence.

We’ll see!

Journey to Health with MS – Day 152 – Thoughts on Mood and Hunger

I think both are directly affected by what you put into your mouth. It’s kind of funny how drastic the change is – depending on what you eat.

Take me for example – I feel a bit lethargic today, where as I’d usually be constantly happy and filled to the brim with energy. So what changed, why am I feeling a bit under the weather today?

Well I ate pizza yesterday, as it was a cheat day for me.

Just that single pizza (granted it was a big one and took me 6 hours to eat) was enough to mess up my system for the following day. I’ve also noticed… I feel hungry. I haven’t felt hunger the whole month, but now that I ate pizza I actually feel it now.

That’s how easy the change comes from bad to worse, this is the stepping stone for people where they can either stay on this path of lethargy and hunger that will force them to eat more, and more of the junk to take it away, if only for a moment… or you stay firm (no pun intended). You remember the fact how good you felt when you were eating right, when you were exercising right and you just go forward.

You stick to the well set routines you’ve made and have a day of lethargy and hunger – but it will only be a day or two, after that you’re right on track once more with happiness, no hunger and more energy than you know what to do with.

Simple, just have to keep your eyes pointed forward and if you stumble, you get back up and continue moving. After all… there’s no point in staying still – the future’s a lot brighter with each day that passes, where as the past just keeps on getting darker. There’s no competition between the two, I know which one I want to live in. I’d rather live in the future, not in the past.

That’s what I will do.

And so will you! The bright future awaits us and we’ll make it there – and we’ll do it with a smile, my friend!

Journey to Health with MS – Day 151 – Cheating on the Cheat Day

Today, I held a cheat day. Technically my monthly cheat day is on the 13th, as in, I’d have one tomorrow – but I had one today instead so I can get all the water weight that comes from it away by Monday.

I’m excited for Monday, I will start my new job and I get to pester good hardworking innocent people with phone calls… disturbing their slumber… their showers… their lives… just to sell them things they don’t want or need, but will buy regardless – since I’ll persuade them with offers that are always better for me, than they are for them.

Ah… that’ll be fun… who doesn’t love a phone salesman? 😉

I’ve also done a few readings for YouTube, it’s so much fun and it’s so perplexing how a 2-3 minute reading of a short ‘horror’ story can take over an hour of work in the end.

Take this video for example:

It’s my newest reading – and after finding the creepypasta I wanted to narrate I had to A) Find the font used on the thumbnail and end page. B) The pictures used for the thumbnail, video and ending page, making sure they are royalty free for monetization C) Edit the aforementioned things to look presentable, D) Find royalty free music to go with the reading and match it to go with the narration, E) Put all of them together, F) Publish it to YouTube and write descriptions, set monetization, set annotations etc. G) Share it to different social media outlets, like this one for example. H) Hope it didn’t all turn out too bad and someone might enjoy it.

All of this required 3 different programs to put together and unmentioned amounts of Google-Fu.

And that’s a 2m46s clip!

A labor of love though, so it’s nothing more than fascinating for me 🙂 Thank you for reading my ranting!

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

I won’t bore you with my words, I’ll just link you to the article – can you find yourself in any of them? During my journey – I’ve noticed I’ve given up on each and every one of these 13 things and no longer even think of doing any of them.

I think… I’ve grown mentally stronger, yay.


Journey to Health with MS – Day 150 – Making it.

150 days.

Can you imagine it has already been 150 days since I started writing these posts? Fastest 150 days of my life, but… dare I say, also some of the most rewarding 150 days I’ve had.

Let’s see what I’ve accomplished on my journey that took me 150 days to complete.

I stepped on the scale today and it showed 142.1kg / 313.3lbs. From my starting weight of 163.6kg / 360.7lbs that’s a rather hefty 47.4lbs dropped.

My mood has improved vastly, I think the main change to my being has been to my mental side. I’m constantly happy with no bad days in the mix. I’m eating right, I’m exercising and they’ve all formed into well set routines. I take care of myself, both body and mind. It took me 150 days to form this and it is an ongoing process, but I’m definitely on the right track.

I do not see this as a journey to lose weight anymore, that has taken a complete backseat and in the last weeks I’ve focused purely on the mental side – the weight has dropped as a consequence. No crash dieting, no dieting at all in fact. Just… being healthy. Walking forward on this journey to health.

I let go of the scale, I only weigh myself once a week and the scale’s reading doesn’t affect my mood. It can be up, it can be down. I know I’m on the right track and my body might disagree with me, but this overflowing happiness, energy and ability to do more each and every day is not wrong. I think that’s very important, to let go of the hold a scale can have on an obese person’s mind, especially if they’re constantly trying to lose weight. It took a lot out of me, but I think I’m finally capable of saying the scale does not control me, I control me. Me, I’m the one in charge of my life and what I put into my mouth or what I do with my body, no one and nothing else. Not even the scale.

I was a complete morbidly obese NEET 150 days ago. NEET is a very loving phrase which means “Not in Education, Employment or Training.” – Someone who is stagnant, not moving forward with his or her life. I must say, it fit me to the t. I did nothing with my life, just ate, was sad at my inability to do things. My dad died of cancer, everything went downhill and I got stuck on that track – living off of welfare, just being a burden to everyone around me.

But now, 150 days later… I’m in driving school, getting my long overdue driver’s licence, I’m doing readings on YouTube which is very fun and it’s greatly improving my English pronunciation and now… as a cherry on top, I got myself a job.

Not a dream job, being a phone salesman, but with my calm and happy behavior I think it will treat me right. Not to mention, it is a job. A stepping stone on my path to making it. No matter how small of a step, if it is taken forward, it’s worth taking.

I am making it. With a smile, not a single day being hard or cumbersome. Every day I wake up with a smile on my lips and I fall asleep with a smile on my lips, thinking I get to do it again when I wake up.

Life is great, once you look at it in the right light and move forward.

You can do it as well, there’s no doubt in my mind. We’re all going to make it, I’m living proof of that. We can do this!

Thank you for reading, my friend.